I have moved through a few roles in my time and am probably a bit of a late bloomer to the “management track”. I spent most of my career chasing a senior role and wanting to be an IC. I suffered from crippling imposter syndrome when I finally got my senior role several years ago, I felt frustrated by systems that felt too complex and made me wonder if I knew what I was doing, worried I would get found out.
It wasn’t until my manager at the time pointed out that the reason I felt stuck in the senior role after finally getting it, was that I was probably operating above it.
And this realisation did indeed prove itself when I was promoted to a lead level and finally felt comfortable in my own skin once again. I felt an authority unlock – not in a “I’m the boss you need to do what I say” kind of way, but more an inner authority telling me that I was now able to make these decisions and make a difference to the way things were done. The only time I’d had this sort of clarity about my role was when I was self employed and everything was run the way I felt it should be, warts and all – a great learning curve in my career.
The one thing that I felt less confident in was the “managerial” aspect of leadership, I’d never been responsible for people’s careers before. I’ve always been a bit of a “mum” to people (I was actually voted most likely to be a mum at school – something which I have not lived up to thus far), I enjoy looking after people and making sure they have what they need, whether thats cooking them a good meal, teaching them how to cook or showing they have the confidence to speak up about something they feel strongly about, and I found that despite feeling a bit scared of taking on this challenge, it wasn’t all that dissimilar to me, I was still helping people, the problems and solutions were just in a work setting (although I still openly share recipes and cooking practices!).
After getting used to being a leader of people, I moved into a manager role, and whilst I still saw it as a leadership level, the term leader never really sat right with me. I don’t want people to follow me, I don’t profess to always know where we are going, I remember reading somewhere that driving at night you only see whats a few metres ahead of you, but you can make the whole journey that way and it stuck with me that this aligns to life, you may know the destination, but you can’t always see how you’ll make it there, sometimes we just need blind faith that it’ll work out, and sometimes we just need to have adaptable plans.
What I’ve come to realise over time is that leadership, at least for me, isn’t really about being the person at the front with all the answers. Whilst we’re expected to have a vision and direction to move towards, I’ve found it’s much more about creating the conditions for people to do their best work, helping them navigate uncertainty and giving them enough confidence and support to keep moving forward, even when the path to get there isn’t obvious.
I think that’s probably why the word “manager” has always felt slightly uncomfortable to me too. It can imply control, hierarchy or authority over people, when in reality the best managers and leaders I’ve worked with couldn’t have been further from this. They’ve been facilitators, protectors, coaches and occasionally therapists. They’ve helped remove blockers, created trust and given people room to grow into themselves.
The older I get, the less interested I become in status or titles and the more interested I become in what I leave behind, what I send people off into the world with. I care about whether people feel safe enough to contribute ideas, whether teams are set up in a way that allows them to thrive instead of burn out, whether the processes around them help or hinder and whether someone leaves a conversation feeling more confident than when they entered it.
And perhaps that’s why I ended up gravitating towards operations and systems as much as design itself. At first glance they can feel worlds apart; one creative, one procedural. But I’ve found they’re deeply connected. Good systems create space for creativity. Clear processes reduce uncertainty. Healthy operations allow people to focus on solving meaningful problems rather than fighting unnecessary friction all day.
Ironically, the thing I feared most about leadership, being responsible for people, became the thing I found most rewarding. Watching someone back themselves more, seeing a quieter person finally feel comfortable enough to speak up and helping someone realise they’re capable of more than they thought they were, feel far more meaningful to me than org charts or job titles ever could.
I still don’t always know exactly where I’m going, and honestly I think anyone who claims they do is probably overselling it a bit. But I’ve become comfortable with that now. Leadership for me is less about certainty and more about curiosity, adaptability and trust. Trusting your experience, trusting the people around you and trusting that clarity often comes through movement, rather than before it.
You don’t need to see the entire road ahead to make progress. Sometimes you only need enough light to take the next few steps.